USA Weekend.com
Issue Date: October 5, 2008
ParentSmart
Advice: Raising teens in today's world
It's tough work. So we asked experts for advice.
By Dennis McCafferty
| Are there reasons to feel optimistic about today's teens? Absolutely! |
Being the parent of a teenager today can seem more fraught than ever. From peer pressure and even bullying on social networking sites, to fears that kids have grown up way too fast, what's a parent to do?
For advice on navigating this ever-complex world, we turned to Sean Covey, 44, author of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" (and son of Stephen R. Covey, the best-selling author as well as a USA WEEKEND contributing editor), and Jason Ryan Dorsey, 30, author of "My Reality Check Bounced!: The Gen-Y Guide to Cashing In on Your Real-World Dreams." Both authors are in high demand as speakers on the guidance of teens, and you may be surprised by their underlying message: The kids are going to be all right. Really. To learn more, read on.
What's the worst thing you ever did as a teen?
Covey: I threw a lot of things as a teenager -- like eggs at cars and houses. I tossed a lot of crab apples in school, too, which resulted in my spending a lot of time in the principal's office. I feel badly about it now.
Dorsey: When my parents went out of town one weekend, I took my stepfather's car out to go cruising. I was only 14. At one point, I almost ran into a police cruiser!
That story brings up this point: How uptight should parents be about the occasional trouble their kids get into?
Dorsey: It's a fine line. If you overreact to the little things, it's going to de-emphasize your effectiveness when something serious happens. More important, it can make it harder for the child to open up about those serious things.
Covey: Right -- parents can overreact. But keep in mind that this is a different world now. If any of my eight kids got caught doing some of the things I did, they'd get kicked out of school. There's much less tolerance now.
Dorsey: And I'm also seeing less willingness on the part of parents to make their kids accept responsibility, which is troubling. It used to be that when you got sent to the principal's office, the school called your parents and you took your punishment. Now, kids text their parents and plead with them to come defend them. Sometimes the parents bring a lawyer! Moms and dads need to allow their kids to go through the appropriate disciplinary steps because if boundaries are not enforced, then teens will keep pushing those boundaries further out.
How has the media created a unique challenge for today's parents when it comes to raising teens?
Covey: Kids spend far too much time in front of a computer or TV screen. This isn't acceptable in our household. So I schedule "dates" at least once a month with each of my eight kids. One daughter wants to go hiking. Another wants to go to a play. It's a time when we have personal, private time together, and it's vital.
Dorsey: You need to make time together a part of the routine, even if it just means having Saturday morning breakfast together every week.
But parents still will have social networking sites to deal with. How much of this should they allow?
Covey: We've allowed some of that for a while because it represents a connection with friends. But we took a look at what was going on with MySpace, and it made us feel uncomfortable. We told our kids that they're well connected as is with cellphones and texting, and they don't need this.
Dorsey: There are positive values of social networking sites. It gives teens a sense of inclusion. My sister is 17, and she stays in touch with friends from camp, thanks to these sites. When teens go from high school to college, the sites help them transition; they stay in touch with their old friends while trying to adjust to new circumstances.
Is there reason to feel optimistic about today's teens?
Dorsey: Absolutely! I'm moved by their optimism -- even ones from tough situations. Today's teens are more accepting of other religions and backgrounds, and they are greater risk-takers. They think nothing of, for example, starting their own businesses.
Covey: There are lots of reasons to be optimistic. Teens are living in the most exciting time ever. There's more global wealth and more freedom to do things, thanks to the power of technology. I see so many good kids coming out of both good homes and struggling homes. These kids really "get" maintaining high values and being true to themselves.�